Classic Programmes

  • Classic Programme – Falmouth Town AFC v Holsworthy FC

    Posted by kieranscottknowles

    Scott Knowles gives us his latest article in his excellent Classic Programmes series.

    Long before his involvement in the capture and subsequent success of the Olympic games in London made him the Tory it was sort of okay to like, Sebastian Coe had another post-Athletic role in sport – as president of Falmouth Town A.F.C. I know this because the first page of the programme for their league match against Holsworthy during the 1993/94 season is adorned with a picture of his unconvincingly happy face.

    It’s the classic politician photo (Coe had been elected as Member of Parliament for Falmouth and Camborne in 1992) – head slightly tilted, missionary-position-only hair style, false smile etched across the lower half of his face, eyes barely disguising contempt for humanity.. it’s no wonder he has been so successful within the Conservative party.

    Any Falmouth supporter who turned up on a whim to Bickland Park on Saturday the 16th of October 1993 would have struggled to discover exactly who the home side were facing just from reading the programme. It takes until page twelve before any mention of the opposition are made (described as “one of the League’s friendliest clubs” – such kindness explained further down the page where the record between the two teams shows that out of twenty four meetings Falmouth had won twenty and only lost two). The first six pages read more like a Thompsons directory than literature from a football game with non-stop advertisements plastered across them. The final ten pages pull the same trick meaning that actual content on offer is slim pickings indeed. My personal favourite of the adverts, for anyone interested, is one for ‘Atlantic Video’ which, as you might guess, stocks the “latest video releases” before going on to list other wares purchasable which begin with the entirely reasonable (papers, magazines) before listing increasingly obscure objects so that by the end they are desperately trying to offload “car parts” on you.

    A recurring theme within this column so far has been the humorously Roy of the Rovers style names that knocked around the Non League game ‘back in the day’ and this latest offering doesn’t disappoint. There is the brilliantly titled defender Paddy Scrace (a name that immediately conjures up images of beefy jawlines and knee-high tackles), the rather flamboyant Grenville Pope, and a name-check for former Holsworthy player Roy Cobbledick. They simply do not make them like that anymore.

    Aside from using Seb Coe as an excuse for some cheap Tory bashing the other main reason I chose to include this for my Classic Programme series was the bizarre and mildy disturbing decision to dedicate a whole page to a poor quality photograph that is captioned – Falmouth Town Fan Club 1974 Season – but could just have easily come from Jimmy Savile’s private collection.

    The picture contains seven schoolgirls lined up in what seems to be a desolate wasteland area wearing expressions that range from brave smiles to barely concealed terror. Each girl adopts a similar pose with hands behind their backs – presumably because they were either handcuffed or shackled together in some way. No explanation is made as to why it was decided a near twenty year old snapshot of a group of young girls was suitable for inclusion in a programme for a Jewson South Western League clash .. I can only imagine it was an inventive way of increasing crowds amongst Falmouths vibrant sex offending community.

    Rumours that Gary Glitter and Pete Townsend were regular guests of Lord Coe in the corporate box are completely fabricated. By me. Just now.

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  • Classic Programme – Hampton FC v Leytonstone/Ilford 14/09/85

    Classic Programme – Hampton FC v Leytonstone/Ilford 14/09/85

    Posted by kieranscottknowles

    In the latest of his excellent Classic Programmes series, Scott Knowles looks at a matchday publication from a club of particular interest to me!

    During the mid 1980′s Hampton Football Club was staffed by exactly the sort of people you would expect to find employed at a Vauxhall-Opel League Division One side in the penultimate decade of the last century. There was an A.N. Duddy as Vice Chairman, an A.P. Mann as General Secretary, and R.J. Parsons and J.F. Hennessey amongst the Committee Members. One imagines that board meetings consisted of equal amounts English Leather aftershave, nicotine tinged moustaches, and frequently raised voices.

    The peculiarly uncredited opening programme notes add to this sense of furrowed-of-brow men getting business done with slightly stern sounding offerings like – “Full details of the visitors are given elsewhere in this programme, so I won’t waste space repeating myself.” – like a deputy headmaster grumpily accosting a student.

    Meanwhile a reminder that smoking is not permitted in the main stand following an inspection brought about by the fire at Bradford City is a sombre reminder of the general lack of regard for safety that was routine at all football clubs back then.

    The programme itself is deceptively slender but, for the 25p asking price, packs a lot in. There is all the usual fare you would expect from a match day publication like a comprehensively written history of the opponents, fixtures and league table section (the league being topped rather bizarrely by Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles villain ‘Leatherhead’ at this time), and a generous sprinkling of of-their-time advertisements. There are, however, some more unusual bits and bobs included that help it stand out as one of the best of its time.news

    There is, for example, a non-league quiz that you imagine even in 1985 was particularly taxing (sample question – On which Football League ground do Pegasus Juniors F.C. Play their Hellenic League fixtures?), the promotion of a Halloween Night Dinner complete with promise of “live music for dancing” – as opposed to the live music you do architecture to – and a League News section that reports on the return of two Hitchin Town players struck by serious injury the prior season – Alan Cosby who had suffered a break to his fibular and tibia, and goalkeeper Tony Luff whom, following a shattered knuckle, it is explained now has a “permanently bent finger”.

    The names of the players alone are a joy to read – the likes of Paul Giggle, Terry Vincent, and Ronnie Lawson who you could just as easily imagine as characters in a Roy of the Rovers story – meat headed and red of cheek, shaking off their fractured fibular or shattered knuckle to cross the ball in for Roy Race to volley home in a cup final at Wem-ber-ley.

    The real gem of the programme, however, is found in the Matches From The Past section which reports on a London Senior Cup game from 1962 and appears to have been penned by a particularly frustrated novelist.

    Mentions are made early on of “prophets of gloom”, the “vigour and skill” of Hamptons goalie, and the bravery of the home sides players in “refusing to be trampled underfoot by the machine like efficiency” of the opposition players.

    There is a mildly nightmarish quality to the descriptions at times – the Hampton goalkeeper is “taunted” by a left winger before being forced to concede a third goal and a penalty strike is “screamed chest high” at him not long after.

    It’s not something often seen in today’s equivalent ‘matchday magazine’ where reports of matches tend to be a straightforward record of the events told in the matter-of-fact manner of a dead eyed contestant on The Apprentice – with passion and any semblance of joy of the game wrung dry in favour of a bloodless neutral perspective of things.lineup

    Meanwhile back in 1962 the dedication of the Hampton fans is regaled to us via a description of the weather with its “distinct Arctic look about it, backed by continual drizzle” and, more brilliantly still, the supporters who “lined the pitch like petrified shapes, stirring painfully now and again in the icy grey.”

    Pure poetry and a joy to read. For shame today’s programme writers. For shame.

    Thanks to Scott for this article. Follow him on twitter: @FragileGang

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  • Accrington Stanley vs Leigh RMI 25/10/03 – F.A. Cup Fourth Qualifying Round

    Accrington Stanley vs Leigh RMI 25/10/03 – F.A. Cup Fourth Qualifying Round

    Posted by kieranscottknowles

    Scott Knowles gives his own unique views on another matchday programme from yesteryear.

    The tragedy of Accrington Stanley’s ascent to being the sort of bog-standard League Two side that hovers around the middle of the table whilst occasionally tormenting their fans by threatening something better whilst never quite achieving it (a role Macclesfield Town used to be good at pre relegation) is that for a generation of football fans they might now be remembered as ‘that club who are always shown in the last fifteen minutes of The Football League Show’ rather than the club who got dissed by a couple of scouse pre-teens for an advert in favour of milk.

    The story of Accrington Stanley is the sort that has in the past been referred to as a fairytale (though how many fairytales can you recall whose heroes include a bald former footballer who spend a season playing in Rhyl and Brett Effing Ormerod?). Disbanded in 1966 due to that familiar story of financial woe they reformed a couple of years later and gradually worked their way up the football pyramid before finally regaining promotion into the football league in 2006 where they have remained ever since.

    The first thing you notice about the programme from their 2003 F.A. cup tie against Leigh RMI (spoiler warning – a 2-0 home win) is an aerial photograph taken of, presumably, the Accrington area. Quite why this was felt necessary is unclear – it’s not like Accrington is the beautiful island of Herrenchiemsee – but fans of murky looking towns made up of terraced houses and busy roads would clearly be in their element.

    It’s endearing just how polite and needy the staff at the club are within their notes. Manager at-the-time John Coleman apologises towards the end of his column for the shortness of what he has written, explaining he had “a pile of test papers to mark”, whilst chairman Eric Whalley (whose poor quality photograph resembles something from a local newspaper accompanying a story about a man who has sexually abused chickens) speaks heartbreakingly of his efforts to get to grips with the internet, only to find that the comments on the club messageboard have mostly been of the ‘we’re crap’ variety. “.. if anyone has any comments, complaints or suggestions then please by all means come and make us aware of them.” he begs, “We are happy to listen!”.

    At first the hefty programme seems to represent good value for its two English pounds but that’s before you turn the pages and discover there are 46 separate advertisements held within them! Whilst a lot of the adverts are well suited toward the football fan (pubs, butchers, chippy – classic ‘man’ zones) you have to ask how many people get to a game and ponder “I would really like to get rid of my extensive collection of corgi boxed motor vehicles. I hope that somewhere within the match programme there is a specialist who deals with the buying and selling of such things”.

    Picking between the advertisements you find the usual array of statistics that nobody cares about (“Oh look! It appears we have lost by one goal on four separate occasions this season. My life is enriched immeasurably now that has been pointed out to me.”) and columns by increasingly unimportant people. Has any fan in the history of football ever bought a programme and rushed excitedly to the page written by their clubs ‘Lottery Manager’? No. Never. Sorry, Mick Schultz.

    The main aim of a programme is surely to entertainingly distract the fan in those minutes prior to kick-off when the only other choice of entertainment is watching their team warm up and, in fairness, there was plenty to read within the pages of Accy’s effort. The question remains whether a detailed listing of each opposition squad members’ footballing journey so far (example – “Began his playing career in the Lancashire Amateur League before moving to Clitheroe for one season. This was followed by a period of just over one season at Ashton United in the Northern Premier League Division One.” etc) is going to be of more interest than watching a player fire a practice shot wildly wide of goal and hit an elderly gentleman queuing up for a pre-match pie. No contest really.

    By the final page of the programme we are treated to a list of ground rules and regulations for the catchily named ‘Interlink Express Stadium’ which, amongst threats against the usage of “abusive language, likely to cause offence” (fans were restricted to chants of “Oi! Number seven! You’re clearly trying hard and we appreciate that sincerely but you’re clearly not up to the standard required of a player at this level!”) included a warning against the carrying of “offensive objects”. This was desperately disappointing for the Stanley fans who planned to wave a dildo during matches and thus change the course of the clubs entire history.

    Liverpudlian boy #1: “Accrington Stanley? Who are they?”

    Liverpudlian boy #2 : “They are the club whose fans frantically wave female sex toys above their heads during home games.”

    Liverpudlian boy #1: “Oh.”

    Thanks to Scott for this review. Follow him on twitter: @FragileGang

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